Monday, October 5, 2015

God and His Purpose

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

There’s an all-time saying: “Everything has a purpose”. I guess I heard this over a thousand times from different people. Person who try to console someone after a tragedy. Someone who try to convince a friend that there’s someone better to come after he gets dumped. Or someone who try to cheer himself up by saying, I know God has a reason for this and I should not give up. I wish I could really understand what they’re trying to say because I was in the darkest spot and my life was so miserable. I was in the dark as early as I haven’t passed through my innocence stage, when I’m supposed to play and carefree, when I’m supposed not to carry any burden and just play hide and seek. When my supposed to be problem as a child is how to convince my mother to buy me a new dress or shoes. To cry over a spilled milk or an ice cream vendor that I’ve overlooked and wasn’t able to buy my favorite ice cream. But my life as an innocent, carefree and happy child has ended as early as I was 7 years old. I was in turmoil experiencing things that a child’s mind could not fathom. It’s been a nightmare. I was so afraid, defenseless and horrified. As a child I know what’s happening is something not normal but I don’t know how to find solace because I was so afraid. At that time our home is not a comfort zone but a dungeon that I have to flee from. I had no one to turn to. I don’t even know how to call on God. I felt so abnormal, became fearful and shy. I grew up with so much grief and hatred in my heart. I was an unhappy and disturbed child.

I was in the dark for a very long time because of that experience, I haven’t developed my self-esteem. I look at myself as small as a mole and feeling shameful. I felt dirty like a mud. I became distant, vigilant and distrustful. While growing up, I have developed some kind of barrier as my defense and I am silent most of the time. I was so afraid of a lot of things in the world and most of them all, is the fear of rejection. Thus the reason why I didn’t know how to recognize or define love in my heart. But despite of that I gained friends and tried so hard to do everything to please them in order to keep them. But sometimes even friends disappoint me and made me feel rejected that causes more damage on my being. I’ve been hurt by a lot of people and most of them are those that I’ve taken the risk to open my heart with.

When I’ve learn about God, I started to ask Him a lot of questions. Why did you allow that to happen? Where were you when that’s happening? Why does it have to be me? Was I born to be like this and just to experience all the cruelties in the world? Yes I admit I hated God. Starting from the moment that I have known Him, I hated Him immediately, because if He is really the God why did He forsake me? I did not see any good reason why He allowed all those horrifying things to happen to me. But at some point in my life, I restrained and tried to know the Lord more deeply. I served Him and heard about His words. Yet still, my heart was so troubled and the people around are not as good as I expected. There’s still a lot of unanswered questions. Why I still don’t see the good purpose of my existence? And so I go on with my life asking a lot of questions and trying to find answers and significance of my existence on my own. Engaging in some worldly things that I thought would give me an answer and would somehow fill the void in my heart. I have acknowledged God’s presence in my life but I did not fully submit to Him.

For a very long time, I have kept so much pain, hatred, and un-forgiveness in my heart. I was carrying a lot of bondage that makes me a horrible person too. I was impatient, hot tempered and offensive. I know I hurt some people because I am feeling hurt too and that is something not to be excused. I can even count on my fingers the times that I’m happy. Even my family that I considered the source of my happiness was a pain in the ass because they disappoint me most of the time. I was so angry with the world and there’s even a time that I wanted to end my life because I was so filled up and tired of being mad. I was actually tired of my spiteful self. I was tired of my life and all the unfairness in the world.

For almost 30 years I was in darkness. I was in the wilderness of nowhere. I was alone. I was a living dead. But one sudden moment, one sudden illness has changed my life. It was because I felt hopelessly sick that I’ve met Jesus Christ, and I immediately accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. But then the road to transition is not as smooth as I expected because there’s something more inside me that’s been preventing me to experience the joy of the Lord in my heart. I have to clear my heart from bondage. I have to release all the pain and all the hatred in my heart, most especially I have to forgive the person who have enslaved me in darkness most of my life. I have to be free completely. So I released all the baggage in my heart and surrendered everything to the Lord.

So now when some difficulties gets in the way, the question I have in my mind is this: Lord, what do you want me to learn from this? What is your purpose? It’s so amazing how God turn that horrible experience into something that taught me a lot of lessons, answered all my questions and turned myself into a better person. Also that experience was the instrument that I was able to introduce Jesus Christ to my family and somehow cleared the road between us. It’s really a wonder how it all turned out into something good and beautiful. For “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who has been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). Now I know that God was with me during those horrifying times but because I was still innocent, there’s no way I can understand all of it. I was never alone because God was there. I believe that not a single tear or hurt has been wasted because it was all part of God’s perfect plan for me. I may not understand some of it at some point but I just have to trust Him and submit to Him completely. Have I not struggled hard? Maybe I will not be able to understand how it feels to be mistreated. How it feels to be unloved, how it feels to have none. That experience has made me stronger yet more compassionate especially to those who are oppressed. That experience has shown me God’s “Amazing Grace” and His unfathomable love. He made me realize how precious I am because I am His child. I found my identity in God. God has shown me His greatness and His faithfulness.

I praise God for His grace. I thank Him for sending the right people to be my spiritual encourager and lead me to see the light, and I know that He wants me to use that experience as my inspiration to be able to share the good purpose He has from that painful past. God wants me to share His purpose and that is to share Jesus Christ to all His people, and this also is the very essence of my existence. But I need His grace and wisdom to fulfill His will. I still believe that sometimes life is unfair and full of uncertainties but there’s always a reason why things happen the way they did. Every creation of the Lord has a purpose, yet it is beyond our ability to understand and explain His plan. We just have to trust Him and believe that no matter how bad the situation, no matter how unpleasing you look at things, God made it for a purpose. Life is a great journey as long as we submit it to God and trust on His will. Stop trying to explain the unexplainable. Have faith in the Lord and believe that everything in this world is just temporary but there’s only one thing that is firm: “God’s Love”, and He will make all things beautiful in His own perfect time.

B.A.M. 

Monday, March 23, 2015


To let go is to release…
Of what makes you less
Of what’s not essential
Of what makes you crucial
Of what makes you impatient
Of what makes you imprudent
Of what makes you weary
Of what makes you angry.

To let go is to forgive…
Of whom we don’t believe
Of whom we fight
Of whom who misjudged
Of whom we hated
Of whom we don’t wanted
Of whom we hurt
Of whom that hurt us.

To let go is to accept…
When it’s time to precept
When it’s time to repair
When it’s time to prepare
When it’s time to eradicate
When it’s time to cultivate
When it’s time to change
When it’s time to move on.

To let go is not necessarily to say goodbye
But to sing for a new lullaby
To kiss away the hoary unnecessary things
And embrace the new and more vital gears
To let go of all the baggage in our heart
So we can begin a lighter start
To have a joyful journey through the road of eternity
To grow in God’s word and abide in Him faithfully.

By: BAM 2/19/15

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

On the right track with God

1 Thessalonians 5:16 – 18
Rejoice always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
“But how can you rejoice if you’re in the middle of a traffic and nonstop cussing in your mind because you’ll be late for work and have to hurried up to meet a deadline? How can you give thanks when couple of months after you graduated, you still haven’t landed on the job you always wanted?”
Most of the time, our first reaction is to ask: “Why Lord? Why do you allow this to happen?”

September 4, 2008, after months of battling on so many considerations and discerning God’s plan in my life, I have finally made a decision. With only 1,500 in my pocket, a bag of clothes that is lighter than the baggage in my heart, a shoulder bag that I borrowed from a friend, a journal, a PDL book (Purpose Driven Life) and tons of courage and faith with the Lord, I finally went to the City of Smiles to start a new Journey. At first I was scared although it’s not the first time for me to be away from home, but it’s my first time to be in a new city and though Bacolod is just an hour away from Iloilo there’s still a big difference. All of a sudden I was alone in a new place that I don’t even have friends and relatives. But things back home was getting worst and slowly consuming my sanity. I’m not happy with my work anymore, pressures of life is starting to make me a person that I don’t want to be and so I decided to shift track. It hurts me so much leaving my family and friends but I really needed some changes in my life.
It’s not easy to live in a new place but I have faith and entrusted my new Journey to the Lord. I knew he has a purpose why He led me here and He really is an Awesome God coz He gave me the job that I really wanted. It’s my long-time dream to work in an office, having my own table and a rolling chair..haha! I am so blessed to work in a multi company even though I have no college diploma and I really consider it as a big privileged. But the first couple of months wasn’t easy for me, I have to fight loneliness and for so many nights my only companion was God, the PDL book and my journal. While at work, I was pressured to do my task perfectly because I’m afraid to commit mistakes. As much as possible I don’t want to be scolded by our Boss. But being new and just starting to learn the job, I had my share of mistakes and scolding. Our boss, although very strict is also a very generous person. Later on, adjusting with my job became easy than adjusting with some people around me and I have the fear of discrimination because of my educational status. Fortunately, only few made me feel that way. My patience was tested and it was such a big challenge for me because I was such a very hot tempered person. But it wasn’t long enough that I’ve worked on adjusting and fighting loneliness. I have love my job and gained friends eventually.
- Fast forward -
June 29, 2014, my sister called: “Aunt is gone”. The Lord finally put her to rest after 79 years. At that moment, my mind was clouded by lots of questions and my heart was so heavy that I can’t almost breathe. The person I highly respect and love me unconditionally is gone. She was more than a mother to me and I love her very much. Somehow I felt guilty not spending much time with her before she’s gone. I was so busy with a lot of things but can’t find any significance anymore. Weeks before that, not all people knew that I have lost interest with life. And my aunt’s death made me wavered even more. I felt so lost, got tired with everything and wondering again about my purpose in the world. I became physically, and spiritually weak. I began to ask God again of so many questions. I got frustrated with my family and some friends for not meeting my expectations. I was too frustrated with life. The road became so dark and I can’t see the right direction. I wandered, I faltered and became restless. I wanted to sleep endlessly because I felt so tired. I was like a living zombie, just trying to go on because I’m still breathing. I even wish to have an incurable illness and die because I felt like I don’t have a purpose in the world anymore. I was desperately hopeless.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
August 5, 2014, I was in front of an OB Gyne asking me if I still have plans of having my own family. The question has made me impassive and for a few seconds I can’t utter a word. I knew right there and then that something is really wrong with my body. The next day after a few more tests, it was confirmed that I have tumor in my uterus (Myoma) and a cyst in my right ovary. I don’t even know what to say but I have to decide immediately. The tumor was already too big to ignore and keeps me bleeding. I have to undergo a surgery the soonest possible. I was too scared, I got scared with a lot of things though I’m pretty sure I wasn’t scared for my life. But I was scared of the physical pain, I’m scared of injections, I’ve never been hospitalized and I am financially broke. Again, the doctor asks me: Do you still have plans of having your own family? Coz if none, we have to remove the tumor together with your uterus and your right ovary. You can’t bear a child anymore. The visions of my purpose in life became too hazy. I was shaken even though I thought I am contented with my singleness and I ask God: If you want me to go through all these, then what more reasons do you leave me to go on with my life? What more there is to life after this?
Isaiah 54: 10
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
Still unsure and financially worried, I’ve decided to have a hysterectomy yet still undecided when to undergo the operation. I told a friend about all my anxieties and she told me to trust everything to the Lord. “You always think about of what you want and not about what He wants for you. You seem to forget that you have no control of everything and only God has the power to do everything.” She’s absolutely right. I was too self-absorbed and totally became unfaithful to God. I became too confident and independent doing my own thing. I got busy trying to please everyone and forget about Him. I was always on a rush to catch up with everything and forget to pause for a while and pray. I always have no time for Him; I became too obsessed with my job because I thought it’s the most important thing that He gave me and I should take care of it. I was totally consumed by the past hurts and pains that made me proud and tried to prove to everyone that I can achieve things that they don’t expect me to obtain. I got sucked by my pride and I realized that’s one of the reason why despite of all good things that happened to me, I still feel incomplete and lonely.
I left God in the middle of our Journey. I separated with Him for all the worldly reasons. But despite of my stubbornness, He never abandoned me. He showed me how much He love me by those people who supported me, helped me and show their concerns during my ordeal. I was so blessed and touched by Him through the “Good Samaritan” He sent that aided me financially. I’ll be forever grateful with that Person. My operation was scheduled immediately. I was confined two days before the operation because I was anemic and have to transfuse two bags of blood in my body. Physically speaking, every needle that was injected in my body was unbearable and the blood transfusion was the most painful experience I had in my life and in my mind I did hope and pray that it would never happen again. I should take care of my body from then on and most especially, I should value my Life even more. God made me realized of so many things. For a long time I thought I was tough and always independent and in just an instant, He disabled me and can’t even wear my undies alone. He made me literally helpless. My friend also reminded me that next time, I should be careful what to wish for because there’s always two forces that’s listening. In my case it is God who wants to discipline me.
God always has a purpose for allowing things to happen and now I can clearly see what He’s trying to make me understand. All my life, I keep on wasting time asking for reasons in everything that’s happening in the world and trying so hard to find answers. But now I realized that there are circumstances that’s all beyond my control and not for my own comprehension. The Lord made me rest and keep me still for 60 days so I can spend more precious time with Him. Time to repent, to reflect, to meditate, to pray and to let go of all negative thoughts and feelings. I should unload all the baggage in my heart so I can start a new Journey with the Lord peacefully. I should not seek or presume others love but only God’s love for me and I realized that the only source of true happiness is no other but God; and it will be such a great joy if we have Jesus in our heart. If I need peace, I will find silence with Him inside my heart. I should always obey His will and shouldn’t try to do things according to my will. By God’s grace, I will remain faithful to Him. I will surrender everything to Him and if the road became bumpy, I shouldn’t feel dismayed and be patient until it became smoother again. In all instances, I don’t have to be afraid because God is my rock, my salvation and my redeemer.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Something called "Friendship"

It’s something to work for
Something to nourish and adore
Something that needs two hearts or more
Something everyone wish to have
Something you can hold on to and be glad.

During difficult times
It’s not something you can buy in store
But something you always wanted to restore
It’s something free, something priceless
Something you’ll fight for before anything else.

It’s something to treasure forever
Something won’t make you say never
Something to be just you
Something not to conceal and be true
It’s something to comfort when you’re blue.

It’s a special bond despite differences
Something shared by all races
It’s something called “friendship” a gift from above
Once you have this you knew you’re blessed
It’s something far from being distressed.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Just said and Done

When all was said than done
You can never take it back
Can never be undone.

Tongue sharply made life a knife
Can melt a heart
Though sometimes end a life.

Mind full of thoughts
A heart full of desires
While just kept can never be inspire.

Nice words better left unspoken
If cannot put in deed
And just let someone heartbroken.

Thoughtful mind, good intentions
All good things are meaningless
When all was just said than done.

Friday, June 13, 2008

This is Me...

I am reposting my very first blog, written 3 years ago. I wonder what have been change...well I guess none except for some craziness that had happened. LOL! Well this is still me..

I like quotes… I love poems... I even wrote some with or without inspiration… I used to write about my feelings… even before I’ve learned texting and write emails…I write about anything to unload my burden or even cry sometimes coz it’s the easiest way to release everything in me…and to escape from the real world…! Sounds like crazy but that’s what I am… I even love to listen to sob stories, read romantic novels, watch romantic movies & imagine myself as the lead character…hahaha….I’m a hopeless romantic… writing is my passion even though I’m not sure if I really know how to write… I don’t have the confidence I must admit it….I love long talks though I’m silent most of the time…I like talking about life and it’s purpose. I guess it’s my obsession, finding the purpose of my existence in this world. I used to believe in love at first sight but I have learned that a long and lasting love has to be developed and nourished by honesty, openness and trust, same with friendship (gotta be H.O.T. all the time..:) Looks can be deceiving & the heart sees beyond the eyes can see… I love surprises…it makes my heart melt. I love to laugh but I’m serious most of the time and people often see me as a snob… well maybe I am that if you still don’t know me personally. Deep inside me is a very weak and sensitive person… I’m very sentimental… seeing somebody cry really breaks my heart.

I guess making good relationship to everyone is the second most important thing to do in life after building a solid bonding with God. Although I find it really hard to be good to everyone, but I’m trying to give my best to look pleasing in God’s eyes. It’s not an easy task. I have been bad during my rebellious days and it still haunts me sometimes…. I hate being hot tempered & paranoid most of the time. My past experiences changed me a lot and made me hard to trust to anyone…and it’s not so easy for me to forgive & forget. Sometimes, I just want to be alone. One thing that I’ve also learned from this life is that, “It is less painful and more acceptable when you lose someone you love thru death coz you know where they going and how they’re going to be, than losing someone who choose to walk away from you because they’re not happy with you anymore…and you will never know how they will going to be.” I really wonder why we always fight or argue a lot with our love ones but we can be extra nice with someone we just met? Life’s really full of irony. It’s so ironic that we will do something to hurt someone we love then say sorry afterwards. We will do something bad then we will say that “we’re just human who commit mistakes” to justify what we have done wrong. We never realize that the more we have that mentality, the more we can commit mistakes and the more we can hurt people.

I value every friendship that I have and those people who has become part of me that touches my life in one way or another… I’ve learned a lot from them. I love my family so much that I’ll be willing to die for them… I want to spare all my love ones from all the harm in this world… seeing them happy is also my reason to be glad. I really thank God that he blessed me with true friends… True friends are hard to find and I’m glad that I have few… I’d fight for a friend and I’m willing to be at their service if they needed my help. They can count on me anytime of the day. I value friendship like I value my family. I’m a loyal friend, but once you’ve done something terrible or you betrayed me, I will never be the same again until the Friendship vanished. I want to please everyone though I know that I must first please myself before anybody else. I just want to make someone happy by way of pleasing them. I wish I’m a superwoman so that I can give all they want. J

I’m afraid to fall in love coz I don’t wanna be hurt, though I know that being hurt is really a part of being in love… there’s no assurance in this world, we just got to have the guts to take the risk, “If we risk nothing then we risk everything.” I know that I have to face my fears to overcome it. Fear is just fear itself. There is so much in life that I hate but have learned to accept and appreciate and live with… I’m a worrier, I worried a lot but I’m trying to see things in a positive direction. I hate goodbyes but I know that sometimes it’s really have to happen coz there is nothing permanent in this world except CHANGE. The more the world keeps on changing, the more I become matured and the more I realized how mysterious life is… I hate broken promises, but I know that nobody and nothing is perfect in this world. We must be patient. Life is an everlasting struggle… a constant change… an arena of pain… my life has been like that… all these years, the world become so unfair. But as long as I breathe, as long as I hold my sanity, as long as my love ones needed me, and as long as God permits me to stay in this world… I’ll continue this battle… Till God takes my breath away….

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Better Than Yesterday

As I opened my eyes today
I realized I have to stay away
Sleepless nights should go
Crying moments no more
Just one thing I wish for
That from this day and the coming days
Would be better than Yesterday...

Here's another fave song of mine...It's really a cool song...