God and His Purpose

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

There’s an all-time saying: “Everything has a purpose”. I guess I heard this over a thousand times from different people. Person who try to console someone after a tragedy. Someone who try to convince a friend that there’s someone better to come after he gets dumped. Or someone who try to cheer himself up by saying, I know God has a reason for this and I should not give up. I wish I could really understand what they’re trying to say because I was in the darkest spot and my life was so miserable. I was in the dark as early as I haven’t passed through my innocence stage, when I’m supposed to play and carefree, when I’m supposed not to carry any burden and just play hide and seek. When my supposed to be problem as a child is how to convince my mother to buy me a new dress or shoes. To cry over a spilled milk or an ice cream vendor that I’ve overlooked and wasn’t able to buy my favorite ice cream. But my life as an innocent, carefree and happy child has ended as early as I was 7 years old. I was in turmoil experiencing things that a child’s mind could not fathom. It’s been a nightmare. I was so afraid, defenseless and horrified. As a child I know what’s happening is something not normal but I don’t know how to find solace because I was so afraid. At that time our home is not a comfort zone but a dungeon that I have to flee from. I had no one to turn to. I don’t even know how to call on God. I felt so abnormal, became fearful and shy. I grew up with so much grief and hatred in my heart. I was an unhappy and disturbed child.

I was in the dark for a very long time because of that experience, I haven’t developed my self-esteem. I look at myself as small as a mole and feeling shameful. I felt dirty like a mud. I became distant, vigilant and distrustful. While growing up, I have developed some kind of barrier as my defense and I am silent most of the time. I was so afraid of a lot of things in the world and most of them all, is the fear of rejection. Thus the reason why I didn’t know how to recognize or define love in my heart. But despite of that I gained friends and tried so hard to do everything to please them in order to keep them. But sometimes even friends disappoint me and made me feel rejected that causes more damage on my being. I’ve been hurt by a lot of people and most of them are those that I’ve taken the risk to open my heart with.

When I’ve learn about God, I started to ask Him a lot of questions. Why did you allow that to happen? Where were you when that’s happening? Why does it have to be me? Was I born to be like this and just to experience all the cruelties in the world? Yes I admit I hated God. Starting from the moment that I have known Him, I hated Him immediately, because if He is really the God why did He forsake me? I did not see any good reason why He allowed all those horrifying things to happen to me. But at some point in my life, I restrained and tried to know the Lord more deeply. I served Him and heard about His words. Yet still, my heart was so troubled and the people around are not as good as I expected. There’s still a lot of unanswered questions. Why I still don’t see the good purpose of my existence? And so I go on with my life asking a lot of questions and trying to find answers and significance of my existence on my own. Engaging in some worldly things that I thought would give me an answer and would somehow fill the void in my heart. I have acknowledged God’s presence in my life but I did not fully submit to Him.

For a very long time, I have kept so much pain, hatred, and un-forgiveness in my heart. I was carrying a lot of bondage that makes me a horrible person too. I was impatient, hot tempered and offensive. I know I hurt some people because I am feeling hurt too and that is something not to be excused. I can even count on my fingers the times that I’m happy. Even my family that I considered the source of my happiness was a pain in the ass because they disappoint me most of the time. I was so angry with the world and there’s even a time that I wanted to end my life because I was so filled up and tired of being mad. I was actually tired of my spiteful self. I was tired of my life and all the unfairness in the world.

For almost 30 years I was in darkness. I was in the wilderness of nowhere. I was alone. I was a living dead. But one sudden moment, one sudden illness has changed my life. It was because I felt hopelessly sick that I’ve met Jesus Christ, and I immediately accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. But then the road to transition is not as smooth as I expected because there’s something more inside me that’s been preventing me to experience the joy of the Lord in my heart. I have to clear my heart from bondage. I have to release all the pain and all the hatred in my heart, most especially I have to forgive the person who have enslaved me in darkness most of my life. I have to be free completely. So I released all the baggage in my heart and surrendered everything to the Lord.

So now when some difficulties gets in the way, the question I have in my mind is this: Lord, what do you want me to learn from this? What is your purpose? It’s so amazing how God turn that horrible experience into something that taught me a lot of lessons, answered all my questions and turned myself into a better person. Also that experience was the instrument that I was able to introduce Jesus Christ to my family and somehow cleared the road between us. It’s really a wonder how it all turned out into something good and beautiful. For “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who has been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). Now I know that God was with me during those horrifying times but because I was still innocent, there’s no way I can understand all of it. I was never alone because God was there. I believe that not a single tear or hurt has been wasted because it was all part of God’s perfect plan for me. I may not understand some of it at some point but I just have to trust Him and submit to Him completely. Have I not struggled hard? Maybe I will not be able to understand how it feels to be mistreated. How it feels to be unloved, how it feels to have none. That experience has made me stronger yet more compassionate especially to those who are oppressed. That experience has shown me God’s “Amazing Grace” and His unfathomable love. He made me realize how precious I am because I am His child. I found my identity in God. God has shown me His greatness and His faithfulness.

I praise God for His grace. I thank Him for sending the right people to be my spiritual encourager and lead me to see the light, and I know that He wants me to use that experience as my inspiration to be able to share the good purpose He has from that painful past. God wants me to share His purpose and that is to share Jesus Christ to all His people, and this also is the very essence of my existence. But I need His grace and wisdom to fulfill His will. I still believe that sometimes life is unfair and full of uncertainties but there’s always a reason why things happen the way they did. Every creation of the Lord has a purpose, yet it is beyond our ability to understand and explain His plan. We just have to trust Him and believe that no matter how bad the situation, no matter how unpleasing you look at things, God made it for a purpose. Life is a great journey as long as we submit it to God and trust on His will. Stop trying to explain the unexplainable. Have faith in the Lord and believe that everything in this world is just temporary but there’s only one thing that is firm: “God’s Love”, and He will make all things beautiful in His own perfect time.

B.A.M. 

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