Life's Cycle

It’s been a while since my last blog, I’ve been pre occupied thinking about recent events in my life. I know I could have all the more reason to write since I am in my depressing moment again but laziness attacks me…lol! I am actually losing all my energy when I feel down or disappointed. Okay, aside from some issues at home which I think I have no control anymore and that makes me feel upset, lately I’ve been worrying about losing my job because I can see it’s really coming. Major problems are getting on the way and I think this will really be our last year here. But I’m still hoping that something will happen, that all what I’m worrying for is wrong. God, I really love my job and I spent almost half of my life here. So it will really break my heart seeing its closure…:( But then if all my fears are true, I should get myself ready for the changes. Anyway life has full of changes all the time. It’s just that it’s so hard to leave things you have learned to love and became a part of your everyday life. Leaving things behind that you got used on doing all your life is like being born again…you doesn’t know what to do next and you feel uncertain with things. It’s like starting all over again and it isn’t easy. But all along I know I would get used to it just like how I got used on how life been playful with me. Life was never been fair! Oh yes! I’m bitter. :D

Speaking of unfairness, a close friend of mine pushed me away because of some stupid misunderstanding. It’s actually just a normal argument that leads to deepest issues and causes saying all the harsh words towards each other. So now I’d like to ask myself, “Am I a bad friend”? Was I really gone wrong because I cared so much and tried to protect my friend from being hurt? Is it wrong to tell your friend the truth even if you know it will hurt her but thinking it will going to wake her up in the process? Is it wrong to give a friend some nudge if you see that what she’s doing just add up with her burdens and just hurt her all the more? Well then maybe I was wrong in some ways, but I never wanted to hurt her.

Some people might still don’t know that I really value friendship so much. I am willing to die for a friend if she’s really worthy just like how I cared for my family. This is the reason why it takes me some time to get close to someone because I have this fear and have all the questions in my mind on why this person is getting close to me? I don’t trust someone so easily that I let them be a part of my life without doubting their purpose. When someone new talk to me and begin to share their personal life to me, I begin to wonder why they’re telling me all those things when we only just met. I know its bad being suspicious with other’s purpose on getting close to someone but I am just being careful and the fact that I don’t think I am good enough to be trusted. I don’t have that so much confidence I must admit….and that friend of mine just made me feel so unworthy for pushing me away. Again, someone close to me made me feel like a trash, just dispose me because I am not needed anymore. Told me not to care anymore just like that because she doesn’t want me to get involve with her dramas in life. Don’t you think it’s a bit unfair? If you don’t want someone to care and worry for you, you shouldn’t have befriend that person in the first place. You must have isolated yourself from people if that’s what you want. Being close to someone and being a friend doesn’t happen overnight. Much more pushing them out of your life is not that easy. It’s not just like eating your favorite cake and gives it away when you’re fed up.

But then again, I just have to think that things like these are bound to happen. This is not the first time that someone made me feels unwanted. I really should have got used to it. But still it hurts me so much and made me feel so low. Well I should just think that it’s not the end of the world. Life goes on and I know that I’ll be meeting more people like that friend of mine. I’ll meet new people, gain more friends and get hurt still. It’s the cycle of life.


VanS3n said…
oh well.. nang bels and her words of wisdom.. wehehe

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