On the right track with God

1 Thessalonians 5:16 – 18
Rejoice always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
“But how can you rejoice if you’re in the middle of a traffic and nonstop cussing in your mind because you’ll be late for work and have to hurried up to meet a deadline? How can you give thanks when couple of months after you graduated, you still haven’t landed on the job you always wanted?”
Most of the time, our first reaction is to ask: “Why Lord? Why do you allow this to happen?”

September 4, 2008, after months of battling on so many considerations and discerning God’s plan in my life, I have finally made a decision. With only 1,500 in my pocket, a bag of clothes that is lighter than the baggage in my heart, a shoulder bag that I borrowed from a friend, a journal, a PDL book (Purpose Driven Life) and tons of courage and faith with the Lord, I finally went to the City of Smiles to start a new Journey. At first I was scared although it’s not the first time for me to be away from home, but it’s my first time to be in a new city and though Bacolod is just an hour away from Iloilo there’s still a big difference. All of a sudden I was alone in a new place that I don’t even have friends and relatives. But things back home was getting worst and slowly consuming my sanity. I’m not happy with my work anymore, pressures of life is starting to make me a person that I don’t want to be and so I decided to shift track. It hurts me so much leaving my family and friends but I really needed some changes in my life.
It’s not easy to live in a new place but I have faith and entrusted my new Journey to the Lord. I knew he has a purpose why He led me here and He really is an Awesome God coz He gave me the job that I really wanted. It’s my long-time dream to work in an office, having my own table and a rolling chair..haha! I am so blessed to work in a multi company even though I have no college diploma and I really consider it as a big privileged. But the first couple of months wasn’t easy for me, I have to fight loneliness and for so many nights my only companion was God, the PDL book and my journal. While at work, I was pressured to do my task perfectly because I’m afraid to commit mistakes. As much as possible I don’t want to be scolded by our Boss. But being new and just starting to learn the job, I had my share of mistakes and scolding. Our boss, although very strict is also a very generous person. Later on, adjusting with my job became easy than adjusting with some people around me and I have the fear of discrimination because of my educational status. Fortunately, only few made me feel that way. My patience was tested and it was such a big challenge for me because I was such a very hot tempered person. But it wasn’t long enough that I’ve worked on adjusting and fighting loneliness. I have love my job and gained friends eventually.
- Fast forward -
June 29, 2014, my sister called: “Aunt is gone”. The Lord finally put her to rest after 79 years. At that moment, my mind was clouded by lots of questions and my heart was so heavy that I can’t almost breathe. The person I highly respect and love me unconditionally is gone. She was more than a mother to me and I love her very much. Somehow I felt guilty not spending much time with her before she’s gone. I was so busy with a lot of things but can’t find any significance anymore. Weeks before that, not all people knew that I have lost interest with life. And my aunt’s death made me wavered even more. I felt so lost, got tired with everything and wondering again about my purpose in the world. I became physically, and spiritually weak. I began to ask God again of so many questions. I got frustrated with my family and some friends for not meeting my expectations. I was too frustrated with life. The road became so dark and I can’t see the right direction. I wandered, I faltered and became restless. I wanted to sleep endlessly because I felt so tired. I was like a living zombie, just trying to go on because I’m still breathing. I even wish to have an incurable illness and die because I felt like I don’t have a purpose in the world anymore. I was desperately hopeless.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
August 5, 2014, I was in front of an OB Gyne asking me if I still have plans of having my own family. The question has made me impassive and for a few seconds I can’t utter a word. I knew right there and then that something is really wrong with my body. The next day after a few more tests, it was confirmed that I have tumor in my uterus (Myoma) and a cyst in my right ovary. I don’t even know what to say but I have to decide immediately. The tumor was already too big to ignore and keeps me bleeding. I have to undergo a surgery the soonest possible. I was too scared, I got scared with a lot of things though I’m pretty sure I wasn’t scared for my life. But I was scared of the physical pain, I’m scared of injections, I’ve never been hospitalized and I am financially broke. Again, the doctor asks me: Do you still have plans of having your own family? Coz if none, we have to remove the tumor together with your uterus and your right ovary. You can’t bear a child anymore. The visions of my purpose in life became too hazy. I was shaken even though I thought I am contented with my singleness and I ask God: If you want me to go through all these, then what more reasons do you leave me to go on with my life? What more there is to life after this?
Isaiah 54: 10
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
Still unsure and financially worried, I’ve decided to have a hysterectomy yet still undecided when to undergo the operation. I told a friend about all my anxieties and she told me to trust everything to the Lord. “You always think about of what you want and not about what He wants for you. You seem to forget that you have no control of everything and only God has the power to do everything.” She’s absolutely right. I was too self-absorbed and totally became unfaithful to God. I became too confident and independent doing my own thing. I got busy trying to please everyone and forget about Him. I was always on a rush to catch up with everything and forget to pause for a while and pray. I always have no time for Him; I became too obsessed with my job because I thought it’s the most important thing that He gave me and I should take care of it. I was totally consumed by the past hurts and pains that made me proud and tried to prove to everyone that I can achieve things that they don’t expect me to obtain. I got sucked by my pride and I realized that’s one of the reason why despite of all good things that happened to me, I still feel incomplete and lonely.
I left God in the middle of our Journey. I separated with Him for all the worldly reasons. But despite of my stubbornness, He never abandoned me. He showed me how much He love me by those people who supported me, helped me and show their concerns during my ordeal. I was so blessed and touched by Him through the “Good Samaritan” He sent that aided me financially. I’ll be forever grateful with that Person. My operation was scheduled immediately. I was confined two days before the operation because I was anemic and have to transfuse two bags of blood in my body. Physically speaking, every needle that was injected in my body was unbearable and the blood transfusion was the most painful experience I had in my life and in my mind I did hope and pray that it would never happen again. I should take care of my body from then on and most especially, I should value my Life even more. God made me realized of so many things. For a long time I thought I was tough and always independent and in just an instant, He disabled me and can’t even wear my undies alone. He made me literally helpless. My friend also reminded me that next time, I should be careful what to wish for because there’s always two forces that’s listening. In my case it is God who wants to discipline me.
God always has a purpose for allowing things to happen and now I can clearly see what He’s trying to make me understand. All my life, I keep on wasting time asking for reasons in everything that’s happening in the world and trying so hard to find answers. But now I realized that there are circumstances that’s all beyond my control and not for my own comprehension. The Lord made me rest and keep me still for 60 days so I can spend more precious time with Him. Time to repent, to reflect, to meditate, to pray and to let go of all negative thoughts and feelings. I should unload all the baggage in my heart so I can start a new Journey with the Lord peacefully. I should not seek or presume others love but only God’s love for me and I realized that the only source of true happiness is no other but God; and it will be such a great joy if we have Jesus in our heart. If I need peace, I will find silence with Him inside my heart. I should always obey His will and shouldn’t try to do things according to my will. By God’s grace, I will remain faithful to Him. I will surrender everything to Him and if the road became bumpy, I shouldn’t feel dismayed and be patient until it became smoother again. In all instances, I don’t have to be afraid because God is my rock, my salvation and my redeemer.

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